Today’s episode begins with our heroes still headed for Shalour City, but they have become momentarily side-tracked at one of the electronic bulletin boards that are ubiquitous throughout Kalos. One of these advertisements is for an upcoming Pokemon battle featuring the Kalos League Champion: Diantha. Well Ash was hooked at “Pokemon battle,” but he commits a cultural faux pas by admitting that he has no idea who Diantha is. (Damn tourist!) It turns out that Diantha, much like Barbie, has a number of different occupations – all of which she finds time to cram into the French four day work week. In addition to her duties as regional champion, Diantha is also a fashion icon, movie star, and (judging by the larger-than-life Mao Zedong/Kim Jong Il -esque public portrait of her hanging off a nearby building) a communist dictator.
Despite all the brainwashed fawning over Diantha from the Kalos-ians, Ash is still determined to challenge her to a battle (and thus circumvent the whole collecting badges/Elite Four process if he wins). Meanwhile, Bonnie has come to the conclusion that nobody would be better to “take care” of her Clemont than the Audrey Hepburn of Kalos. So Ash takes off down the street of an unfamiliar town in a foreign country determined to find Diantha, with Serena close behind (hoping that Ash doesn’t get too friendly with her), followed by Bonnie, and finally the feeble Clemont trudging along in the rear.
Everyone arrives at the stadium where Diantha is having her big battle, only to discover that the movie star will not be meeting with the public today…and also that she has apparently hired Amanda Bynes’ stalker from the Amanda Show to serve as her personal assistant. But just when our heroes are about to give up hope and perhaps actually work on getting to Shalour City, a hand beckons to them from inside Diantha’s dressing room. Who could this magical person be who has been granted access to the personal space of the biggest celebrity in all of Kalos?
Why it’s Professor Sexy-more of course!
Yes, the first regional Pokemon expert who can truly claim to be Professor Oak’s protege in terms of voracious sexual appetite, Professor Sycamore has come to town for some typically French non-commitment-based love making. “There’s only one reason for me to be away from my lab…” he tells the assembled children, and she is currently in the powder room fixing her makeup after some pre-battle afternoon delight with the professor. At long last the beautifully French Diantha emerges, and she does not disappoint. (But seriously, she does look a lot like Audrey Hepburn right?) While everyone is fawning over Diantha, Sycamore tries to get her to give it up – her necklace that is (she just gave him that other thing) – so that he might further his research into Mega Evolutions. This is one favor, however, that Diantha is not willing to grant. And before the professor can press the matter any further, Diantha’s “Amanda, Please” personal assistant bursts in, and Sycamore demonstrates his overwhelming Frenchness by hitting on her as well (perhaps he’s trying to organize a little menage a trois?), but she gives the sexy professor’s proposition a rare non and smacks him across the face with her event planner.
Outside in the stadium seats, Ash and friends sit with Professor Sycamore and the blowdryer that he has brought with him in case an attractive woman walks by and he needs to redo his hair. (It takes a lot of effort to achieve that effortlessly handsome look!) Meanwhile Diantha is preparing to do battle with her nobody challenger from nowhereville. She sends out a Gardevoir, which is wearing a similar necklace to her own. Sycamore sexily explains that aside from being gaudy fashion accessories, these necklaces contain precious stones (a Key Stone and Gardevoirite) that are instrumental in causing MEGA EVOLUTION, aka the thing that the professor came here to “study.” (I’m starting to think that mega evolution is Sycamore’s name for an erection….)
Team Rocket are here watching the match too, Meowth is in his patented Kalos Simon+Garfunkel disguise, and the criminal trio are likewise interested in seeing a public display of this mysterious Mega Evolution (James especially so). Meanwhile, Gardevoir has no problem dealing with the challenger’s Absol, and Ash is dumbfounded (that’s not unusual) that Diantha seems to be communicating with Gardevoir without speaking. If only Ash had some experience with a trainer controlling their Pokemon telepathically… Sycamore barely has time to play with his hairdryer/scientific instrument before the match is over – and Diantha retains her title belt!
Back in the hallway leading to Diantha’s dressing room, Ash has not yet given up on asking for a battle with the Kalos champion. Professor Sexy-more is persistent as well, “I’ll ask her again too…for my research,” he says. I think we all know what kind of research Sycamore has in mind – he is hoping that Diantha will cause some “mega evolution” to take place (inside his pants). It’s good to see the professor so focused on the pursuit of intellectual stimulation, especially after struggling for years to overcome a very sexy learning disability:
Unfortunately, everyone is disappointed to discover that Diantha is not going to be making any additional appearances today, and Serena suggests that they fill the empty void in their hearts with food – specifically chocolate cake. But Little Debbie isn’t so happy when they arrive at the bakery only to find a line snaking down the street. Serena manages to snag the last slice of cake, and then admonishes Ash for trying to eat it, insisting that they will either all share it or Serena will just eat it herself. Apparently this is just the moment that Clemont has been waiting for to reveal his newest invention (designed with this specific occasion in mind). He whips out a Pokeball looking device with a power drill attached and declares that his contraption will evenly split the cake into four pieces (or more likely, cause wanton death and destruction). However, before Clemont can get to drilling (and not in the Professor Sycamore way), a very familiar face appears at the bakery door.
Unable to convince the lazy socialist French baker to supply a quantity of cake commensurate with the public demand, Diantha weasels her way into a fifth of the slice that Serena bought. Clemont’s food dividing device actually functions properly, and everyone seems to enjoy their (frankly un-American-ly small) slice of cake. Bonnie can’t hold it in any longer, and gets down on one knee to beg Diantha to be her brother’s dependable wife. (This bit never gets old!) Unfortunately, Clemont put down his backpack, and so the embarrassed John Denver lookalike is unable to grab his sister with his mechanical Aipom arm and run away. Ash manages to diffuse the situation by refocusing the conversational subject on something that he is more comfortable with: himself. He demands a battle with Diantha, and after some hesitation she accepts, because, you know, they did give her some cake after all.
Professor Sycamore reappears as well, although this is most likely due to the fact that he wants to film Diantha with his blowdryer/camera thing. (A cameraman, eh? Perhaps Sycamore once served Professor Oak in the same capacity that Tracey does now…) Clemont acts as referee for the match between Ash and Diantha, in the same way that Brock always used to (this position must be reserved for the hopeless virgin of the group). Diantha sticks with her Gardevoir, while Ash chooses his old standby, Pikachu. The electric mouse unleashes every attack in its repertoire as Gardevoir sits back, takes it all in, and sends Pikachu and Ash crashing into a tree with just one attack. But before our hero can try and stagger back up and resume the battle, a small black box falls from the sky and traps Gardevoir behind some kind of force field. Who could be responsible for such a villainous attack?
Only a true artiste of course.
Jessie isn’t one to let herself get upstaged by anyone, and she makes it known to Diantha that she still considers herself to be the world’s greatest actress. Team Rocket lays down a smokescreen to cover their getaway, and they take off with Gardevoir in tow. As everyone chases after the Meowth balloon, we are treated to some backstory from Diantha about how she and Gardevoire met, how they share the bonds of friendship and love, and blah blah blah. Unfortunately, like usual Team Rocket is their own worst enemy, and they are defeated not so much because of Diantha’s close bond with her Gardevoir, but because Team Rocket decided to park their balloon and gloat only several hundred yards away from the scene of the crime. Diantha orders her Pokemon to MEGA EVOLVE (so according to Sycamore's definition, Gardevoire must be a male then…) and the overpowered Embrace Pokemon smashes through Team Rocket’s force field.
Being the theatrical type, Jessie knows when she has been upstaged, and hurriedly instructs James and Meowth to exit stage left. Diantha shows no mercy though, and rather than living and let live, she fills Ash’s typical role of vengeful Old Testament God by attempting to murder the fleeing Team Rocket. One last Moon Blast from Mega Gardevoir sends the trio blasting off again.
With the battle over, Mega Gardevoir shrinks back to its normal size. As Professor Sycamore explains, a Mega Evolution isn’t permanent (you can only keep it up for so long, unless you use mega evolution viagra…) Diantha’s assistant appears in her helicopter (which would have been nice to have a few minutes ago when everyone was chasing a hot air balloon by foot), and the movie star/league champion prepares to depart for her next star-studded appearance. Ash promises Diantha that he will be the victor next time they battle. (Perhaps now Ash will stupidly search for some way to mega evolve Pikachu? And honestly, I wouldn’t be incredibly surprised if Pikachu gets a mega evolution somewhere down the line – I get the impression that Game Freak regrets ever creating Raichu). Meanwhile, Professor Sycamore must wait a little longer to learn the secrets of MEGA EVOLUTION. If only he can figure out how to maintain one for extended periods of time, he will become the most sought after man on earth.